When “Not Yet” Becomes “Now!”

“Our girl got baptized today!”

Those are filed under - Words I Never Thought I’d Say. But to understand the weight of those words, I have to share a little bit of her story from a few different angles.

The first one that comes into play starts her second summer of life when the difficulties due to her health had taken over and Bryleigh REFUSED to even sit in the bathtub, let alone get in any body of water (ie - her grandparents’ pool). While she was a toddler that second summer, we tried to comfortably ease her back into water, but we saw very clearly that we couldn’t persuade, bribe, or trick her into getting back in.

Over that year, we were able to finally have a normal bath time routine, but the damage was done where swimming was concerned, and for many summers that followed, she didn’t even put as much as a TOE in the water. (In the Texas heat during the dead of summer, our girl would look like a tomato, happily sitting…and sweating… on the side of the pool while we swam a little.)

I can so vividly remember these days - what she was wearing. How she acted.

Over the last few summers, she has eased her way deeper into the water, including the last two where we’ve visited the beach as a family, and she truly thrived. This summer she squealed in sheer delight as she walked out chest deep into the ocean. Watching her be proud of herself as she takes on these things that crippled her for so long will never get old to me. They are testimonies of God’s goodness and faithfulness in our lives.

That fear of the water began at an age where she doesn’t even remember the details of WHY she was afraid - just that she was. It was physically (extremely) painful for her to get in the water at the height of what we refer to as “The Diaper Days/Daze,” but her mind and body just began to equate the PAIN with FEAR, so getting in and going under were just not an option for her.

This was her last day in the water, and that was as far as she got in that day.

For months before Bryleigh asked Jesus into hear heart, she was asking the big questions. I could tell she GOT it. I didn’t want to push her into any type of decision, so I was just trying to allow her to lead the conversations and decide the pace at which we would talk about it, but something clicked for me one night, and I finally just asked her - “Bryleigh, is there something you are scared of about becoming a Christian?” And while her answer should have been clear to me, it still shocked me to hear her actually say it.

She responded simply and quietly, “I’m just scared of getting baptized.” (We were able to address that and ease her fears that while the two are RELATED, they are separate. We focused on salvation first and said we’d address the baptism later/over time.)

While we had made SO much progress in the water up to that point, she still wasn’t confident, especially with going all the way under…but there was a second layer of fear for her that probably caused the most trepidation in being baptized, and that was her anxiety about being in front of people.

Through all the years of doctor visits, testing, and just overall how her body would feel at any given moment, Bryleigh developed some pretty major anxiety. She tried team sports for one season in kindergarten, but I wasn’t allowed to come watch any of the games, and she just couldn’t bring herself to actively participate on the field - although she would put her little cleats on the grass, and hug tightly to her daddy, participating while people watched just shut her down. There were countless preschool and school performances where tears led up to the program, and sometimes even continued throughout the program. She didn’t even make it to her 3rd grade one last year because the fear just got to be too much, so we sat that one out. There were days where dropping her off at church or school led to some pretty intense battles, even as recently as last year. (We’ve always openly shared so much of her story because that’s how God gets the glory in our lives and others faith can be built up, but I can assure we don’t share everything! There’s so much we’ve held so tightly to for her.)

I prayed and prayed often that the Lord would strengthen Bryleigh, that He would make her brave and give her courage to do certain things. So often, those prayers were answered with what I would have said was a solid and official “NO” at the time. But what I’m seeing now is that they were answered with a, “Not yet! Hold on. Keep praying. Don’t give up! Just wait until you see what I’m going to do!!” And guys, I’m crying as I type this because of all He has done and is doing in her life!

Sometime last week, she casually said, “I think I’m going to do it. I’m going to get baptized next week.” And just like that, she was ready. She mentioned it every single day. We held those plans loosely and let her know she could absolutely change her mind, but we let our parents know so they would be sure to be there, and we had one little bag of things she might need just in case…and praise the Lord, we did in fact need that bag! I even slipped in the cross necklace I was given the day I got baptized to pass on to her. Just last week she mentioned wanting one to remember being baptized and didn’t even know about mine.

Bryleigh woke up excited with a little bit of fear that grew throughout the morning. I don’t think she ate a single thing for breakfast. She was physically shaky, and all morning she would look to me and say, “I’m so scared! I don’t know why, I’m just so nervous.” She doesn’t even realize how brave and strong she is. But I’ll do my best to save these stories and tell them to her over and over until she sees how hard God has fought for her and how brave and strong He has made her.

After our big kids asked Jesus into their hearts on the same night last summer (epic memory for sure!!), we began discussing plans for my brother to come to town so he could baptize them because I knew it just wasn’t something Bryleigh would ever be able to do (silly me), and when have I ever NOT wanted to throw a party!? We would have a little small gathering at Brad’s parents’ house, and Alan would baptize them in the pool.

What I’ve learned over the last year and three months is that I was trying to make God’s plans for Him…again. And although I would have loved to put a little party together to celebrate, and I really would have loved for my brother to have done their baptisms (or even be there to see them, along with some others that missed it…), my kids are SO unique, and they are uniquely created by God with unique plans for their lives.

William Hammons THRIVES with an audience, and I would have taken that experience away from him, but he confidently (and quickly) chose to be baptized on Easter Sunday of this year. God knew all along that was the plan! And he gave his big sister a huge boost of confidence to do the same. (You can read what I shared on his very special day here - Will's Baptism Story)

I can remember after he was baptized, Bryleigh was SO amazed with him. She kept telling him all day how proud she was. She told me several times that day, “I just don’t know how he did that!!” Going back to the anxiety I mentioned and Bryleigh’s lack of a desire to be in front of people, you’ll see that the pictures from when Will was baptized do not include her until after, and even then, they are way off to the side and down the stairs. She didn’t want to go on stage, even when it was all over and no-one was watching. So for her to walk up on that stage yesterday and get in that water…there’s just not words I can use to explain how huge that was for her!

But she did. She walked up on the stage, got in the water, listened as Matt shared with the congregation about Bryleigh’s decision, and then he baptized her. And when she came up out of the water…she was PANICKED. It was like all of the built up emotions began to tumble out of her. She had held it in as long as she could, and I couldn’t get her out of the water and off the stage fast enough. She cried just a little as I hugged her tight with the towel, but she smiled through it because she really was SO proud of herself. She just kept saying, “I can’t believe I did that.”

We talked throughout the day about those feelings, about doing things we feel God is calling us to do even when we are scared, nervous, or fearful, because obeying Him is infinitely better than being “comfortable” in our disobedience. We talked about how He cares for us and provides for us in those moments, and I am so thankful for the way that He is pursuing our girl’s heart, even from such a young age, to show her how fiercely He loves and cares for her.

As we said our prayers last night at bedtime, she thanked God for making her brave and giving her the courage to go on stage and be baptized yesterday. While I’ve prayed for Bryleigh’s bravery and courage and strength for years, only to wipe tears and give bear hugs through major anxiety, God didn’t leave us alone in those moments, and He didn’t leave her where she was in those days. He’s had a plan for her all along and it included so much more than being able to confidently lay on a table, walk into a room, or stand on a stage at 4 years old. It is so much more than a team sport in kindergarten or dilating eyes in third grade…the list could go on and on.

We can trust God with every “No” that He gives us along the way. Some of them might become the greatest “Not yet’s” of our lives, and if they do indeed stay “No’s” forever, we can trust that His “No” is what is absolutely best for us and what will bring Him the most glory.

And just a little extra note to add for these days…
Also filed under “Words I never thought I’d say…” - Bryleigh joined the broadcast team at school. But she did!! At the end of last year, she learned she’d be on the broadcast team for 4th grade which includes helping with the morning announcements over video in front of the whole entire school. She just finished her first round, and she even spoke on them! We’re just in awe of how God’s has been at work in her life, and we are so proud of her!