A Few NOT First Days of School
When God has other plans…
Wednesday, August 18 was supposed to be Bryleigh’s first day of second grade, but God had other plans. She woke up at 4:15 with a pretty severe migraine, something she’s been dealing with since she was 5 and seem to come every 2.5 to 3 months right now. I laid in bed with her as it started and BEGGED God to take it away, to help ease her pain and keep the nausea and vomiting at bay so that she could start the school year with her friends. However, by 4:45 we had moved to the bathroom and I knew she wasn’t going to make it to school because God had other plans.
Because of all that Bryleigh has gone through medically, she has dealt with some anxiety, and it picked up a little bit more last year midway through the second semester. Although our girl had been big and brave and LOVED riding the bus, the thing that helped her the most was switching to being a car-rider in the morning. I was more than happy to be able to take my baby girl to school, and she asked that we continue to do that this year. That meant taking her in on her first day and FINALLY getting to walk her to her class. But God had other plans.
Wednesday, August 25 should be Carson’s first day at ECC, a rite of passage for the Hammons kiddos. Bryleigh and Will were both enrolled the very first year they could be and we have loved every minute of our time there. Will starts next Wednesday, but Carson doesn’t. Carson is still significantly delayed in speech, and although he’s made great progress in feeding, he still can’t feed himself what he’d need to at lunch time to be able to go quite yet. He’ll be getting all the extra help he needs over the next year while he’s in therapy at our house and attends speech group. While I am so sad he won’t be starting at ECC this fall (and possibly not ever), I know that God had other plans.
One of the harder not-first-days I have sat with in this week-long period is the one that is not with us. We have a sweet angel baby in heaven that comes to my mind often, and they would have been starting kindergarten this year. I see the pictures of the littles that I was pregnant at the same time as their mommas, and I remember our sweet baby in heaven. While the grief isn’t like it was in the earliest days, and it’s a different kind of sadness in remembering them now, there are still moments that take my breath away and simply remind me: God had other plans. (His name is Will.)
Our life has been a lot like that lately. We’ve made plans. We’ve had expectations. We’ve had dreams and desires, but God has had other plans. I could probably write a whole post on our Disney trip (I might someday), but I’ll just say it fits right here in this one, where my desire was met with God’s “Other Plans.” The same can be said of a recent date weekend that Brad and I took to Fort Worth where I ended up sick from my medication I take daily. It was something we had looked forward to for so long, but God came in with other plans.
It can be so hard to live in the tension of grieving what you wanted, desired, and expected while also acknowledging God’s sovereignty over your life and trusting His plans are greater than our own. I’ve shared before, but I learned during Bryleigh’s early medical struggles to pray for “Whatever brings you the most glory, Lord.” It’s a part of our foundation in our family, solid and unmovable, but let me tell you those words are SO hard to pray some days.
My latest prayer journal pages are filled with something along these lines: “Lord, my greatest desire is for you to make them whole and healed and able to live FULL and happy lives… but I truly know that the greatest desire of all is for your will in their life and in my own.” And THAT is tough. Those words are tough to choke out when all you want to see is healing and restoration, fullness of life, your children experiencing life the way their peers are, for your experiences to be “easier…”
Psalm 27:13-14 reminds us, “I am certain that I will see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart be courageous. Wait for the Lord.” I KNOW that I will see the Lord’s goodness because of I have seen it before. I can wait for Him and be strong and courageous because I know that He is faithful.
The enemy wants me to sit in my sadness and despair. He wants me to STAY there. He will continually remind me of the “I don’t haves” so that I am not focusing on what I DO have, the immeasurable blessings God has poured out over my life. The best way to combat the enemy and any sadness we may have over those unmet expectations and desires is to count our blessings, literally. Grab a pen and a piece of paper and start jotting down all the ways that Lord has provided for you, guided you, protected you, loved and cared for you.
While we are counting our blessings, we can worship the Father and remember that He is the one in control. He has a plan that we can’t possibly grasp or understand, but we can trust Him and walk in His plan, remembering “the heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9) Romans 8:28 also reminds us that, “we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into His plans.” So while He might have “other” plans, it is for our good and His glory!
